She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
