Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
