I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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