Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
