i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
