Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
