whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
