Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
