College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
