my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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