Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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