btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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