if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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