I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
