u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
