My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize