i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
