My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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