Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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