i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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