Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he fucked my hip out of place.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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