I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize