Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize