Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
