How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
