I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
