I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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