Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I don't deserve a penis
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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