party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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