apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Randomize