You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
