Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
