the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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