John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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