I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
