I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
