the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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