my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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