someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
