i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Randomize
