She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
