i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
