I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
