plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
it was like eating out sand paper
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
