I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
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