I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
