Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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