it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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