I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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