Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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