Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
how do flat chested girls get laid?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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