Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
