If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Fuck appropriateness.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
