A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just cut my nipple shaving
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
