Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
