I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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