I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
