Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
