If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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