all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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